ararejul’s Neighborhood

I kind of forgot about this. I can't believe it's been a year since I've posted anything. I've knitted a couple of things, but I was pregnant for the bulk of my time away and had some sort of pregnancy related aversion to knitting. Here are a few things though.

Stan hat I made for my cousin Candis. She looks very happy to be wearing it :)

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Slytherin Scarf I FINALLY finished for my sister.

And my best finished object ever, Tristan :)

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I realized today how long it's been since I posted over here. This is mostly do to my knitting ADD. I have a million projects going and none even close to being done. I get really excited about a project, start it, and then a little bit in grow bored with it. I kind of hate it. Hopefully I'll be out of my knitting rut soon. I actually stumbled across a pattern for a gorgeous lace scarf that I have the perfect yarn for. I'm considering starting it and am hoping that it brings me out of my funk. Keep your fingers crossed.

So, I got a Vox. I'm not sure what I'll do with it yet. But here it is. Charming, eh? Yes, I already made a header and customized. 

A bit of a snafu came my way earlier.  It sort of placed my hope on life support.  I have been feeling down ever since then.  However, my mother came in earlier and told me that I should really considering reading my horoscope.  She handed me our local news paper and I began to read.

Your Birthday Tuesday:
Use your unusually high energy and charisma positively.  Ask yourself where you would like a new beginning, possibly fulfilling a special wish.  Lady Luck will help guide your choices if you can visualize a dream.  Taurus is far more possessive than you.

I sort of shrugged my shoulders and my mom told me I should read the Aries horoscope.

Aries (March 21-April 19):
New beginnings can happen. Pretend that you are a birthday child and make that one important wish as you greet the world this a.m.  It can happen.  Tonight: You are all smiles.

I found myself in tears as I read this.  It rekindled that hope within me.  I feel better but, yet I worry that this is all just bullshit and that nothing is going to happen tonight.

I just don't know. :(

Dear self,

    A happy birthday to you.  It's hard to imagine that on this day, many years ago, you were brought into this world.  You are a precious gift to this world.  I know you miss being a kid and that adulthood is a daunting, often frightening thing to face.  The truth is, I'm just as scared as you are.  Everyone tells you that you're still so young, yet you don't feel any younger.  I know it's going to be difficult for you to put up a smile to the few folks who will wish you a happy birthday today, but do it not for them, but for yourself.
    I know how hurt you still are, how you miss her so.  I know that if you could, you would give your left foot to have her back.  We won't know what today holds until that time arrives.  Perhaps she's going to run into your arms tonight.  Perhaps she won't.  You can only hope for the best.  I know how much hope means to you and how you hold it dear to your heart, as if it was all you have left.  I know that you are struggling to fight the tears.  I just want you to know that you don't have to fight them.  Let them fall.  I know that your dreams haunt you, and that in your dreams all you see is her.  I know the reason you tend to stay asleep in bed is because you don't wanna leave your dream world.  You don't want to leave her there because, you know that when you open your eyes, you will have to face the cold reality that she's not yours anymore.  It hurts me to see you this way.  I would give anything to see you happy.  Yet, I know the only thing that would truly brighten up your world is if you and your love could be reunited again as a couple, not as strangers.  I don't know what I can say or do to make this dream of yours a reality.  The only person who can do this is her, and you have no control over the situation.  I know that this is hard for you to accept, as it is hard for me to accept as well.  You can't continue to hurt yourself like this.  Believe me, I will be here for you throughout all of this, as I always have.  I will sit here and wait for her, just like you will, hoping she will one day return to you.  Realistically, you can't wait forever for her.  That is cheating yourself out of a life that you deserve.  Wait as long as you feel necessary.  If you feel like waiting for her for a year, then know that you have my support.
    All I ask is you not forget the things you do have in your life.  Your family, though dysfunctional as it is, does love you very much.  You do have friends who care and love you, too.  I know that these people may not show you this love to you as much as you need, but know that it is there.  You were given an amazing gift....the ability to express yourself creatively through words.  I hear they call it poetry.   In the song "Picket Fence" by Brother Ali, he says, "She didn't tell me to take it, she told me to use it."  I encourage you to use this gift you have been given and turn it into something that helps you cope with the loss of your love.  It may not ease the pain, it may not bring her back, but it may touch another soul.
    I don't know what else to say to you.  You're very stubborn, you know.  I don't know whether or not you will take this to heart.  Quite frankly, I'm sure you won't, cause I think I know you better than anyone else.  You will continue to fill your heart with the grandiose hope that she is going to change her mind about the situation and return to you.  I wish I had an answer for you, man.  I wish I could just send a message into the heavens and hope that they might redirect it to her, and find a way to convince her to give this relationship a chance.  I know you feel you deserve it.  I believe you deserve it, too.  Again, there's nothing you can say or do to change things.  You have to continue to respect her position and respect her space.
    I'm sorry that I cannot do more for you.  In this world, the only person you can rely on is yourself, and that's what I am trying to do with this letter to you.  I just want you to know that you have me here and that you really aren't alone.  But, I know, these words seem hollow because wiping your own tears away feels empty, hugging yourself feels cold, and talking to yourself feels insane.  It infuriates me that there is nothing I can do but sit and watch you slowly self destruct.  Do not despair, my dear friend.  If hope provides you with the oxygen your lungs need and the blood that your heart pumps, then continue to hope for as long as you must.
   
    Love,
    Yourself

    "Make the most of yourself, for that is all there is of you."
    -Ralph Waldo Emerson

It has been four straight days where I have had the chance to see her.  Each of these past four days have consisted of her waving at me as she passed by, along with the person giving her a ride home.  I waved back each time, as I watched her walk away.  I'm continuing to respect her wishes, but just because I am doing that does not mean that I have given up hope.

My emotional state has been hit or miss, night and day, or hot and cold.  I really have no idea what the next moment holds for me as far as my emotions are concerned.  I may be fine for a brief period of time but, sure enough, I will find myself with sobbing relentlessly as tears stream down my face.  Thoughts of her, the most minute thoughts that come to mind trigger these emotions.  My friend says that we become hyper sensitive to the things around us, and the strangest things that we didn't notice before will stand out more and will serve as reminders.  These reminders are MONUMENTAL in my eyes, yet to others, they seem like the ravings of a crazed man.  What's worse is...it never ends.

I've not been feeling well as of late.  I imagine the pain I feel in my chest is not really related to my heart in the medical sense.  I'd like to think that it is just the reflection of the emotional pain that has been inflicted, that continues to be inflicted.  If that were not the case and it was something medically related, at least there are medications, procedures, etc. out there.  In the case of emotional heartache and pain, there is no quick fix, no procedure to help the process.  Plus, what's the point?  I want to be here.  I want to wait for her, hope that she'll return to me.  As pitiful as that may sound to someone reading this, I imagine if you were in my shoes and you felt what I was feeling, you might change your tune.  Or perhaps I'm not strong enough within myself to look at it any other way.

Acceptance is difficult for me, and I imagine that it will be a challenge for me throughout my life. 

Even though things are at this point, I still continue to hold out hope.  I can never give up hoping for this.

"Dum spiro, spero" -- Latin Proverb that translates to "While I breath, I hope."

I hope.

I had my first encounter with my ex-girlfriend almost a week ago.  This was our first time seeing one another since she decided she didn't want to be in a relationship anymore.  I wasn't anticipating much from her on this day but, I was pleasantly surprised.  Not only did she greet me with a wave and a smile, but she actually approached me while in my vehicle and had a conversation with me.

She asked for a hug and said that it was good to see me.  I had repeated the same phrase to her, but appended it by saying "I missed you."  She replied back saying, "I missed you, too."

To say that my hope was sort of strengthened would be an understatement.  For the rest of that night, including the following day, I was as hopeful as I have ever been.  I wasn't feeling down and out.  I had a pep in my step.  Surely, this was a sign of good things to come.

Nothing has panned out since.  I haven't seen her due to conflicting schedules.  However, tonight, I will more than likely see her again.  The ball continues to remain in her court.  I am just a spectactor in this one.  Although, I made it quite clear to her when she broke up with me that I would hold out hope and wait for her, as long as I could.  I intend to stick by those words.

It has only been two weeks since she ended the relationship.  Yet, in my mind, I have this strange thought that on my birthday (in a week), she's going to call me and give me the best birthday gift ever:  she's going to ask me to be in a relationship with her again.

Am I diluting myself?  Probably.
Is it far fetched?  Maybe.
Is it remotely possible?  Anything is possible.

I want to believe this is going to happen so badly, it's ridiculous.

What sucks about having that hope reinstilled is that, as the days go on, and I don't hear from her, my hope begins to wane thin again.  Once that hope has almost completely faded, I find myself a complete and utter mess.  A shell of a man I can't even recognize.

I take things to heart, as a man who wears his heart on his sleeve.  Though, a lot of people have told me that I shouldn't be this distraught and devestated over something like this, the simple truth is I am.  She means the world to me, and I want her back more than anything.

Those are my mini clapotis. I'm about 5 straight row repeats away from it being done. It's going to be a belated birthday gift for a friend (along with some home made bath salts, and a few knitting notions).The middle picture is the most accurate, color wise. Right now it's just about 3 feet, so it'll probably clock in at around 4 feet when I'm done (which will be soon). Unfortnately, I can't find my blocking pins. I remember seeing them fairly recently, but they are now nowhere to be found. I'm very disappointed.

Oh, and the yarn is Patons SWS in Natural Blue. I love this yarn. As soon as I finish this, I'm going to work on my mother's full sized Clapotis (for mother's day) out of Malabrigo, and then I'm going to make myself one out of more Patons SWS (this time in Natural Earth). Mmmmm...

Edit: Finished her up! Just barely made it with  about 2-3 yards of yarn left. Go me. I'm blocking it now, and it should be just under 5 feet after blocking. I'm a little nervous, as I've never made anything that really needed blocking before. I think it'll turn out all right. It's so pretty that I almost don't want to gift it. I love the colors and the way they change in the pattern. Can't wait to knit a full sized one now!

It's been ages since I've written a blog entry.  It feels like so much has happened since I last wrote here, and a lot has.  I met a girl, I asked her out, we both fell in love with each other, and I had been really happy.  However, she just broke my heart just over a week ago. :[

I thought I was lost before when I was shot down by the girls that I was merely enamored with.  Boy, was I a fool.  This break up has left me in a tail spin.  Last week was really difficult.  I spent every commute to/from work and school in tears, listening to sad songs.  My appetite was looted along with my heart.  It didn't necessarily blind side me but, I was hoping for a better outcome.

My problem now is that I am still holding on to this hope.  This notion in my head, that someday soon she's going to re-think her decision and realize that she made a mistake.  Once she realizes this, she'll call me, she'll come to me, and she'll tell me she wants me back.  That's what I hope for.

"Without hope, man is only half alive." - Charles Sayer

To top it all off, I will be seeing her tonight for the first time since she broke up with me.  Why? How?  Simple:  she happens to work at the same place that my mother does, and because I am tasked to pick my mother up from work each night, I have no choice but to be in her presence when everyone exits the building.  I'm extremely nervous and anxious.  I'm scared because of the expectations I have placed on this whole situation.  The idea in my head that, once she sees me tonight for the first time in over a week, she'll realize what a huge mistake she has made and she'll come running back to my arms, aching to be back together with me. 

It's a pipe dream -- far from reality, and I'm aware of this.  Even so, It still does not matter one bit to me.  What matters to me is her.  I love her dearly, I ache for her so much.  I even went so far as to say that I would wait for her, as long as she needed.  She obviously could not promise me that we would be able to be together in the future because she doesn't know what the future holds.  She also asked me to not call her, not e-mail her, not visit her at work unannounced.  She said she needed this and that it would benefit us both.  I've been respectful of that thus far but, I know it's going to be very difficult when I see her tonight.  In my heart of hearts, I can already imagine jumping out of my car, rushing up to her to hold her tightly, kiss her softly, and tell her how much I've missed her.  Since I cannot do that, however, I hope that she'll be the one to instigate all of this.

All in all, I can see this from a mile away, and by the looks of it, it does not look pretty.  It just doesn't seem like it's going to turn out how I hope (but I'm wishing it will.)

I guess I'll find out soon enough. :S

--

Edit [12:15 AM]:  She didn't come out of the building.  As I drove off, I saw her through my rearview.  She was looking at my car as I drove away.  I felt like shit after that.  I wanted to drive back and wait for her just to say hello but, I realize that sounds really pathetic.  I'm told I should let her come to me but, that's what also scares me:  the fact that she may never want to.  I just want her back, that's all. :(

So I've organized most of my yarn stash and I have a ridiculous amount of yarn. I did the math for what I had rolled into center pull balls and put into a tub for storage and I have 11, 217 yards of yarn. That's about 6.4 miles worth of yarn. I own over 6 miles worth of yarn. Crazy, eh?

And that's Just what I have catalogued. I have a ton more yarn left to do :/ I think I have a problem.